I'm Not Ashamed About My Excitement for Down The Rabbit Hole

I actually pre-ordered Holly Madison's book Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny from Amazon.  Yes, it is a transparent marketing tool; but I cannot resist the promise of juicy secrets revealed!  I watched the first few seasons of The Girls Next Door.  I'm not naive enough to believe they portrayed life at the mansion accurately, or in its entirety. Over the years I have read a lot about Hef and his girls and his life and am continuously led to the same conclusion.  The whole situation is equally horrifying, romanticized, and ridiculous. 

Back in 2006 I got an advanced online-copy of Bunny Tales: Behind Closed Doors at the Playboy Mansion* by Izabella St. James.  I read the entire 272 pages (and looked at all the pictures) in one afternoon.  The bunny who wrote this book was clearly bitter because she had never attained the status she thought she deserved, so I considered her a slightly unreliable author.  I use the word author loosely.  She also complained a lot and came across as an insecure gold-digger as she rationalized her decisions and actions.  Shocking.  However, she went into great detail about the process of becoming a girlfriend and what you had to do to stay a girlfriend, which I found interesting and believable.

I also found her version of Hef believable.  I don't think he is a horrible person.  Back in 1952, Hugh M. Hefner was a writer and a cartoonist who planned on being a part of the publishing world.  It was when he found that infamous picture of Marylin Monroe that he decided his magazine for men would include beautiful (naked) women.  That's also when he realized what being a Playboy really meant.  It was a lifestyle choice. Sure, it's misguided at best, but it sounds like he is pretty straight forward with his expectations. I think it's clear that someone who adopts this Playboy Bunny/Girlfriend lifestyle is mostly likely already battling their own demons that are going to rear up eventually.  Since I can only sort-of-imagine what this must be like, I neeeeeeed to read Holly's book.  It's as close as I'll get to seeing-it-to-believe-it.  I know she might lie, although at this point she's got no reason to do so.

It doesn't matter if Holly's book isn't well-written.  It would be nice if it were, but I expect there will be cliches and poor grammar and bad sentence structure.  In college I was told a book should be considered well done if the reader, 1. understands the writer's purpose in writing the book and 2. feels the writer has achieved that purpose. Revealing mansion secrets won't bring you on a world-expanding literary journey.  But that isn't the point.  If Holly Madison wants to tell her story and capitalize on it, she has a right to do so.  Plenty of people will read it out of curiosity.  Plenty of people will read it because we've somehow made entertainment out of celebrity falls. The steeper the better.  Luckily for Holly, it seems she's made it out relatively unscathed.  

So no, I am not ashamed that I was super excited to see Down the Rabbit Hole will be out on June 23rd.  I will be using it as vacation reading and it will sit on my bookshelf afterwards.  I'll probably lend it to my sister.  We'll discuss.  Reading doesn't have to always be a super-intellectual endeavor.       

*Really, with the bunny puns and long titles?     

JUST THE TIP

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Flavors of Ben & Jerry's That Were Born Because Someone Was Totally High

Disclaimer: I own a small freezer that locks and has one purpose - Ben & Jerry's ice cream pint storage.  This is the way it has to be to ensure my favorite flavors are available when I need them.  I have two keys - one I keep on my person at all times, and one is hidden in the house.  The freezer is in the living room and acts as an end table, as its top holds a lamp, a box of tissues, and some coasters.
So, you may want to pay attention here, because I clearly take this very seriously and know what I am talking about. 

With the release of Ben & Jerry's newest flavor, "The Tonight Dough", we will no longer question if Ben & Jerry smoked up doobies while coming up with some of their pun-ny pints.  Because we know they did.  Only high people put that many different foods in one container and name it something ridiculous.  Not only does The Tonight Dough have both caramel and chocolate ice cream, it has swirls of chocolate cookie and "gobs" of chocolate chip cookie dough AND peanut butter cookie dough.  I'm not saying I won't be trying this flavor, because I will be.  I'm saying this is probably most enjoyable after...you know...

In Spring 2011, Jimmy Fallon was featured on the container of "Late Night Snack" which was retired in 2014.  It was Vanilla Bean Ice Cream with a Salty Caramel Swirl & Fudge Covered Potato Chip Clusters.  A mix of salty and sweet is my personal fave, so I was sad to see this one go.  But again, chips IN the ice cream.  Sounds like a 420 snack to me.

Ben & Jerry's flavor collection continues to evolve, change, and grow.  I have classic favorites like "Cherry Garcia" and "Mint Chocolate Cookie", but people have been putting cherries, chocolate, and cookies in ice cream for years.  Those are more relaxed, obvious flavors you can tell your grandma about.  The following is my list of flavors that, I believe, would not exist if someone (I've got my eyes on you, Ben and Jerry) didn't toke one up once in a while.  So, pass the dutchie to the left hand side and read on.

"That's My Jam" Core, and any of the "Cores" really.

Because swirls and chunks are not enough, PUT THE FANCY PART ALL THE WAY THROUGH! Jam in each bite!  Caramel in each bite!  Chocolate cookie IN EACH FRICKIN' BITE!  Picture it...

Woah......

This flavor, exclusive to Target, contains peanut butter ice cream with both peanut butter and raspberry jam swirls.  Dude...'magine like, if we had peanut butter and jelly sandwich but it was like, ice cream?

"Half Baked" and "Peanut Butter Half Baked"  dude, it's in the name.  How it was thought up, how it should be consumed.

"Candy Bar Pie" makes the list because it includes a PRETZEL SWIRL.  Um, huh?  This is one of my favorite flavors.  However, I am pretty sure pretzels do not swirl and I have no idea how they make them do that.  Only while high would you swirl a pretzel.

If you need an ice cream that has so much stuff in it the list is four lines long and you can't even name it according to any of the ingredients - you're high.

If you are still listening to Phish, you're high.  If you ever listened to Phish, you were high.  This flavor is dated, but it has little chocolate fish in it.  Win.

AND BREAKING NEWS! Literally as I typed that last sentence I just got notification that B&J are soon down with weed infused ice cream once it is legal.  (Shocking!)

WEED ICE CREAM 

Just when you thought it couldn't get any better - they are just gonna add the weed right into the pint.

Images: Forbes.com, giphy.com, yahoo.com, brandeating.com, target.com, benandjerrys.com

Flounder and Die

It's a super timely spoof, as it parodies a song from 2008 with a the plot of a movie from 1997 about events that happened in 1912. So SCORE for relevance.

 



It's sung to the tune of T.I.'s Whatever You Like
- so take a quick listen...

 

Hey Rose

You know dis ship be unsinkable

They be trippin' when they tell you that, girl

I say, this boat is gonna flounder and die (and die)

I say, this boat is gonna flounder and die (and die)

Damn

 

 

(Chorus)

Jack's on deck

The boat hits ice

First class can pop bottles all night

But the boat is gonna flounder and die (and die)

I said the boat is gonna flounder and die (and die)

Damn

Late night sex it's Rose's first time

We don't know how they did it with her corset so tight 

But that boat is gonna flounder and die (and die)

I said that boat is gonna flounder and die (and die)

Damn

At any time you could have moved over on the wood plank

Jack could have fit too, he coulda held onto you

Quite the selfish move my dear

To let your love just freeze there

Damn

 

 

 

(Chorus)

 

Captain Edwards you're da bravest, yo ship you couldn't save it

Man so good, he set the clock'n let waves take 'im

Selfless man had us cryin' when we knew he dyin'

In da ship of dreams, you didn't even scream

Ya never ever gotta get into the harbor

On the maiden voyage, we're sorry that we lost ya

Two point five hours, then there was a body count

If ya ain't got all da facts just go ahead and Google dat

First class they could have what they want

Or stowaway wit da mice and the moths

And no, Rose ain't ever had a man like Jack

Who's fun and artsy but prolly smells a bit bad




 

(Chorus)

 

Quite the selfish move my dear

To let your love just freeze there

You said "I'll never let go" but you went 'n let go

Tell yo grandkids you told a big lie

 

(Chorus)

 

I'm talkin'  big boy fights

And real cold ice

Billy Zane was a douchy type'a  guy

Everyone's all wet 'n he's worried 'bout price

That's right

 

(Chorus)

 

Quite the selfish move my dear

To let your love just freeze there

You said "I'll never let go" but you went 'n let go

Tell yo grandkids you told a big lie



 

(Chorus)

 

Yeah

Celine Dion

Heart will go on

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah



Images: www.giphy.com

I tried to have Halloween spirit by watching Rosemary's Baby

This week, I watched Rosemary's Baby for the first time. 

I should probably start off by saying my opinion of this movie is extremely unpopular.  I thought it was stupid and I was bummed.  I wanted to be really scared and I didn't even feel any anticipation of scariness to come.  OK,  I felt scared for a tiny instant when they moved the wardrobe from in front of that closet, but that was it. (The closet had a vacuum and some towels in it.)  I mostly felt annoyed that Rosemary wasn't following her gut as much as she should have.   Directed by Roman Polanski, it was, visually, excellent.  And it did make me want to wear 1960's shift dresses.  I just kept thinking how beautiful Mia Farrow was, but also what an idiot.  Let's look at some examples.  Rosemary's lack of esteem in decision-making and trusting her gut makes me GRRRRRR, even now, three days later.

 

1. She did get her way by moving into the fancy apartment, so I'll give her that - but how did they even afford it? 

 It didn't seem like she had a job, and her (douchy & lying) husband only got crap acting jobs, so I doubt they could afford a huge place in NYC and $200 chairs (in 1965, mind you, so that is actually like a $1000 chair now right?).  Plus they were constantly having more furniture delivered.  At least she made her own window seat cushions, although, as someone who sews, I know that making things yourself does not save money.  Fabric is frickin' expensive.  So she sat around all day and decorated and had witch tea with her strange neighbor?  Satisfying.

 

2. She didn't further question all the scratches on her body after her nightmare about being raped by the Devil.

 Really?  Really?  Then the husband (who is supposed to be a hunk, but is sort of normal-looking) is all like, oh, yeah, I may have had rough sex with you last night while you were passed out.  And she was like, hmmmm, ok, that seems legit.

 

 

3. Oh - and she accepted the necklace owned by the woman who "fell out the window" while living with the creepy neighbors.

  Yeah, it was pretty, but it HELD HERBS THAT SMELLED BAD.  That's sort of a red flag.

 

4. She got that Vidal Sassoon haircut. 

 I mean, it was adorbs, good for her.  But the way everyone reacts?  What is wrong with her husband?  She should have stood up for herself more on that one.  Side Note - in real life, it actually COST Vidal Sassoon 5K to fly to NY and give Mia that haircut.

 

5.  If you have neighbors that are kind of nosy and or creepy and give you a weird vibe - you probably shouldn't eat any of the food or drinks they force on you, especially if they refuse to tell you the ingredients.

 

 Seriously.  On a related note - 

 

6.  Why are you just going along with everything everyone tells you, Rosemary?  

Choose your own damned doctor and take whatever vitamins you want!  Even 40 years ago, one should not have been convinced that a drink made with eggs, milk, and "other stuff" was a sufficient pre-natal vitamin source.  She did appear to have many female friends she could have gone to for further advice on this matter.

 

So, in the end (spoiler alert) when she births the spawn of Satan, and finds out her husband has joined a coven of witches that all reside in her building, I feel fine with her deciding to mother the baby.  I mean, if ya can't beat 'em, join 'em, and she really deserved all that came to her for being such a pretty little pushover.  IT probably was best for her to join the coven so she'd have all those crazies on her side to continue and make her decisions.  

Images courtesy of giphy.com

Pubes - I'm 32 and I still don't get their deal.

So pubes, right?  When I was about 14 or 15, a friend and I decided we were going to do away with the whole bush before either of lost our virginity (or had boys near our lady business at all).  Thus a mere 3 or 4 years after getting the pubes they were gone.

I have to admit, at the time, I did't realize they reached so far back into the abyss of the no-no-zone.  I thought it was a straight-forward frontal area situation.  Wrong.  As I secretly tried to shove pubes down our shower drain, I thought about body hair of days gone by.  I knew 70's pubes were pretty bushy. I had been unlucky enough to view some bad 1970's porn a friend had stolen from her parents.  During the late 80's and early 90's I was privy to my mom wearing thong leotards to aerobics class, and I changed at dance with the older girls, so I knew pubes were still join' strong.

I believed my friend and I were the start of something huge.  Plus, Cosmo had told us in several different articles how important it was to be bare down there.  Since that is a scientific journal of sorts, and they probably did lots of studies.  In my personal studies, men are vagina-seeking missiles and as long as one of those is down there, the rest is negotiable.


Why?  Why is it even a thing?  For the men?  A horrifyingly perverted dude once told me the 70's were the best for sex because (warning if you vomit easily) all the musk was held in the pubic hair.  I say, let's turn it on the men!

Back when women were clubbed over the head and dragged into the cave along with that day's kill, I imagine pubic hair served the same purpose all the other body hair does - protection.  Well, let me tell ya, I doubt that if something's trying to get up in there it's gonna be the pubes that will stop it.

Anyhow, now it's 18 years later and I have gone through various emotional stages while showering and shaving.



I considered letting it all fly free, but after 4 days of freedom and anti-itch cream, that was the end of that.

I have also attempted The Landing Strip several times.

I've yet to successfully grow a respectable strip.  First, you have to try and shape it right with your Bic disposable razor that you have clearly been using for three months and has some rust and is mostly clogged with shave gel.  Then, during the evening out and shaping process, the thing just gets smaller and smaller until, once again, you are bare down there.  Opps. I tell you, it's impossible.  Once you go bare, there will NEVER BE ANYTHING THERE.  Unless.....


You purchase a merkin*.

1. *A merkin is a pubic wig. Merkins were originally worn by prostitutes after shaving their genitalia, and are now used as decorative items, erotic devices, or in films, by both men and women.

And now, important moments in pube pop-culture.

How did you wind up there?

What Type Of Pube Are You? Take the Quiz!

Images: giphy (4); unicornhuntress.blogspot.com; moviesnottowatchwithparents.com; southparkstudios.com

Hello! It's time for Afternoon Snark. I'm Laura Brennan, and I'll be your host.

Today, in our Thursday edition, we have Sally Beauty Supply.

  1. My very-specific favorite hair dryer is sold there, and I saw the sign for a free tote with purchase of electric hair tools, yet, the two women working (because you need two idiots to work a store the approximate size of a wide hallway) did not offer me a free tote.  I could actually use a tote (free or otherwise) so I was sort of excited.  Granted, it was some sort of fake sparkly hounds tooth pattern, but regardless.  I did not ask about the free tote, because I feared it would cause major confusion and I did not want to interrupt...




2. Their conversation about hotdogs wrapped in bacon.  Now, had I not heard this conversation, I would have already been concerned about the health and well being of these women, so this only furthered my worry. 



3. Working at Sally Beauty Supply does not mean you have to actively use ALL THE SUPPLIES every day.  I mean, actually, maybe it is in the contract that you do, like how if you work at Gap you have to wear clothes are from Gap or affiliate stores.


Images: giphy.com (2); photopin.com