Cannon Of Daisies: Pubes - I'm 32 and I still don't get their deal.

So pubes, right? When I was about 14 or 15, a friend and I decided we were going to do away with the whole bush before either of lost our virginity (or had boys near our lady business at all). Thus a mere 3 or 4 years after getting the pubes they were gone.

I have to admit, at the time, I did't realize they reached so far back into the abyss of the no-no-zone. I thought it was a straight-forward frontal area situation. Wrong. As I secretly tried to shove pubes down our shower drain, I thought about body hair of days gone by. I knew 70's pubes were pretty bushy. I had been unlucky enough to view some bad 1970's porn a friend had stolen from her parents. During the late 80's and early 90's I was privy to my mom wearing thong leotards to aerobics class, and I changed at dance with the older girls, so I knew pubes were still join' strong.

I believed my friend and I were the start of something huge. Plus, Cosmo had told us in several different articles how important it was to be bare down there. Since that is a scientific journal of sorts, and they probably did lots of studies. In my personal studies, men are vagina-seeking missiles and as long as one of those is down there, the rest is negotiable.

Why? Why is it even a thing? For the men? A horrifyingly perverted dude once told me the 70's were the best for sex because (warning if you vomit easily) all the musk was held in the pubic hair. I say, let's turn it on the men!

Back when women were clubbed over the head and dragged into the cave along with that day's kill, I imagine pubic hair served the same purpose all the other body hair does - protection. Well, let me tell ya, I doubt that if something's trying to get up in there it's gonna be the pubes that will stop it.

Anyhow, now it's 18 years later and I have gone through various emotional stages while showering and shaving.

I considered letting it all fly free, but after 4 days of freedom and anti-itch cream, that was the end of that.

I have also attempted The Landing Strip several times.

I've yet to successfully grow a respectable strip. First, you have to try and shape it right with your Bic disposable razor that you have clearly been using for three months and has some rust and is mostly clogged with shave gel. Then, during the evening out and shaping process, the thing just gets smaller and smaller until, once again, you are bare down there. Opps. I tell you, it's impossible. Once you go bare, there will NEVER BE ANYTHING THERE. Unless.....

You purchase a merkin*.

*A merkin is a pubic wig. Merkins were originally worn by prostitutes after shaving their genitalia, and are now used as decorative items, erotic devices, or in films, by both men and women.

And now, important moments in pube pop-culture.