I tried to have Halloween spirit by watching Rosemary's Baby

This week, I watched Rosemary's Baby for the first time. 

I should probably start off by saying my opinion of this movie is extremely unpopular.  I thought it was stupid and I was bummed.  I wanted to be really scared and I didn't even feel any anticipation of scariness to come.  OK,  I felt scared for a tiny instant when they moved the wardrobe from in front of that closet, but that was it. (The closet had a vacuum and some towels in it.)  I mostly felt annoyed that Rosemary wasn't following her gut as much as she should have.   Directed by Roman Polanski, it was, visually, excellent.  And it did make me want to wear 1960's shift dresses.  I just kept thinking how beautiful Mia Farrow was, but also what an idiot.  Let's look at some examples.  Rosemary's lack of esteem in decision-making and trusting her gut makes me GRRRRRR, even now, three days later.

 

1. She did get her way by moving into the fancy apartment, so I'll give her that - but how did they even afford it? 

 It didn't seem like she had a job, and her (douchy & lying) husband only got crap acting jobs, so I doubt they could afford a huge place in NYC and $200 chairs (in 1965, mind you, so that is actually like a $1000 chair now right?).  Plus they were constantly having more furniture delivered.  At least she made her own window seat cushions, although, as someone who sews, I know that making things yourself does not save money.  Fabric is frickin' expensive.  So she sat around all day and decorated and had witch tea with her strange neighbor?  Satisfying.

 

2. She didn't further question all the scratches on her body after her nightmare about being raped by the Devil.

 Really?  Really?  Then the husband (who is supposed to be a hunk, but is sort of normal-looking) is all like, oh, yeah, I may have had rough sex with you last night while you were passed out.  And she was like, hmmmm, ok, that seems legit.

 

 

3. Oh - and she accepted the necklace owned by the woman who "fell out the window" while living with the creepy neighbors.

  Yeah, it was pretty, but it HELD HERBS THAT SMELLED BAD.  That's sort of a red flag.

 

4. She got that Vidal Sassoon haircut. 

 I mean, it was adorbs, good for her.  But the way everyone reacts?  What is wrong with her husband?  She should have stood up for herself more on that one.  Side Note - in real life, it actually COST Vidal Sassoon 5K to fly to NY and give Mia that haircut.

 

5.  If you have neighbors that are kind of nosy and or creepy and give you a weird vibe - you probably shouldn't eat any of the food or drinks they force on you, especially if they refuse to tell you the ingredients.

 

 Seriously.  On a related note - 

 

6.  Why are you just going along with everything everyone tells you, Rosemary?  

Choose your own damned doctor and take whatever vitamins you want!  Even 40 years ago, one should not have been convinced that a drink made with eggs, milk, and "other stuff" was a sufficient pre-natal vitamin source.  She did appear to have many female friends she could have gone to for further advice on this matter.

 

So, in the end (spoiler alert) when she births the spawn of Satan, and finds out her husband has joined a coven of witches that all reside in her building, I feel fine with her deciding to mother the baby.  I mean, if ya can't beat 'em, join 'em, and she really deserved all that came to her for being such a pretty little pushover.  IT probably was best for her to join the coven so she'd have all those crazies on her side to continue and make her decisions.  

Images courtesy of giphy.com

Pubes - I'm 32 and I still don't get their deal.

So pubes, right?  When I was about 14 or 15, a friend and I decided we were going to do away with the whole bush before either of lost our virginity (or had boys near our lady business at all).  Thus a mere 3 or 4 years after getting the pubes they were gone.

I have to admit, at the time, I did't realize they reached so far back into the abyss of the no-no-zone.  I thought it was a straight-forward frontal area situation.  Wrong.  As I secretly tried to shove pubes down our shower drain, I thought about body hair of days gone by.  I knew 70's pubes were pretty bushy. I had been unlucky enough to view some bad 1970's porn a friend had stolen from her parents.  During the late 80's and early 90's I was privy to my mom wearing thong leotards to aerobics class, and I changed at dance with the older girls, so I knew pubes were still join' strong.

I believed my friend and I were the start of something huge.  Plus, Cosmo had told us in several different articles how important it was to be bare down there.  Since that is a scientific journal of sorts, and they probably did lots of studies.  In my personal studies, men are vagina-seeking missiles and as long as one of those is down there, the rest is negotiable.


Why?  Why is it even a thing?  For the men?  A horrifyingly perverted dude once told me the 70's were the best for sex because (warning if you vomit easily) all the musk was held in the pubic hair.  I say, let's turn it on the men!

Back when women were clubbed over the head and dragged into the cave along with that day's kill, I imagine pubic hair served the same purpose all the other body hair does - protection.  Well, let me tell ya, I doubt that if something's trying to get up in there it's gonna be the pubes that will stop it.

Anyhow, now it's 18 years later and I have gone through various emotional stages while showering and shaving.



I considered letting it all fly free, but after 4 days of freedom and anti-itch cream, that was the end of that.

I have also attempted The Landing Strip several times.

I've yet to successfully grow a respectable strip.  First, you have to try and shape it right with your Bic disposable razor that you have clearly been using for three months and has some rust and is mostly clogged with shave gel.  Then, during the evening out and shaping process, the thing just gets smaller and smaller until, once again, you are bare down there.  Opps. I tell you, it's impossible.  Once you go bare, there will NEVER BE ANYTHING THERE.  Unless.....


You purchase a merkin*.

1. *A merkin is a pubic wig. Merkins were originally worn by prostitutes after shaving their genitalia, and are now used as decorative items, erotic devices, or in films, by both men and women.

And now, important moments in pube pop-culture.

How did you wind up there?

What Type Of Pube Are You? Take the Quiz!

Images: giphy (4); unicornhuntress.blogspot.com; moviesnottowatchwithparents.com; southparkstudios.com

Hello! It's time for Afternoon Snark. I'm Laura Brennan, and I'll be your host.

Today, in our Thursday edition, we have Sally Beauty Supply.

  1. My very-specific favorite hair dryer is sold there, and I saw the sign for a free tote with purchase of electric hair tools, yet, the two women working (because you need two idiots to work a store the approximate size of a wide hallway) did not offer me a free tote.  I could actually use a tote (free or otherwise) so I was sort of excited.  Granted, it was some sort of fake sparkly hounds tooth pattern, but regardless.  I did not ask about the free tote, because I feared it would cause major confusion and I did not want to interrupt...




2. Their conversation about hotdogs wrapped in bacon.  Now, had I not heard this conversation, I would have already been concerned about the health and well being of these women, so this only furthered my worry. 



3. Working at Sally Beauty Supply does not mean you have to actively use ALL THE SUPPLIES every day.  I mean, actually, maybe it is in the contract that you do, like how if you work at Gap you have to wear clothes are from Gap or affiliate stores.


Images: giphy.com (2); photopin.com

Clap Along If You Feel....

Image: popcrush.com

By now, we all know Pharrell is WICKED FREAKIN' HAPPY.  And we'll all clap along.  I'll clap along if I feel like a room without a roof - but I'd like to clap along for other reasons.  Thus, I have come up with a list of reasons to clap along.

Here are some ways to switch things up.  

Clap along...

if you feel your pets are people too.

if you like lots of spiciness in your food.

if you think Greg Kinnear is kinda cute.

if you're sure that this guy is a tool.

if you know the answer to 2 x 2.

if your mom owned one of these things too.

if you would never wanna wear this shoe.

if you actually like this booze.

Images: mrwgifs.com; imdb.com; chernjam.blogspot.com; communication4all.co.uk; pinterest.com; amazon.com; barmano.com 

Your Trip to the Gyno - Dos and Don'ts

     

Surely your appointment will be at an inconvenient time and throw off your whole day. Plus you'll have a doctor up in your no-no parts.  That's all pretty stupid.  I've put together some simple dos and don'ts to make you and your time a little less lame.  

Do - Show up early.  After you check in with the disgruntled receptionist, get comfy on a sticky vinyl chair and enjoy some daytime TV.  Hopefully, the Steve Harvey show will be on.  Steve will dole out advice like he knows shit about shit that he knows nothing about.  

Don't - Look directly at people while you try and judge if they have an STD.

Do - Wear loose fitting clothing that is easy to remove.  You know once the nurse leaves the tiny exam room you have 2.2 seconds to get undressed, inconspicuously hide your undies in or under your pants on the chair in the corner, get in the "gown" (opening in the front), hop up on the table and throw the paper sheet over your lap before the doctor knocks/barges in.

Don't - Hesitate when asked how many sexual partners you've had.  This will provoke the doctor to make a note in your file, look at you out of the corner of her eye, and say -
"ballpark figure is fine."

Do - Say 3.  (Your first time, a fling, your current partner.)  Don't say you're a virgin.  That is an assumed lie.  Only say 3.  That is the only correct answer.

Don't - Giggle at any of the following words:

     Speculum

     Lube

     Latex

     Vulva

     Breast

     Nipple

     Pap-smear  (which, I discovered at age 12 - to my chagrin -
 is not pronounced pap-schmear)

Do - Scoot your bum all the way to the end of the table.  Also, just relax and let your legs fall completely apart.  You may want to do some preliminary stretching at home.

Don't - Make  jokes.  The following are jokes - 

    "Findin' anything good up there?"   and  "This is the most action I've seen in a while!"

Do - Gratefully accept the tiny square of rough Kleenex the doctor will hand you for "clean up".  It will definitely be all you'll need for that.

In A Tights Spot

+

Image courtesy of MarieClarie.co.uk

 

After about 11 years of regularly purchasing tights, I've finally uncovered the secrets and rules of hosiery.  It was not easy, as the packaging has a variety of wonky sizing charts, spreadsheets, and letter/number combos.  Plus, there are footless tights, leggings, tights with the foot, and fishnets (which I consider a sub-category of tights).  We also have knee highs and thigh highs.  

It's very overwhelming, but I am here to make it less so. 

Before we begin - a quick quiz.      
 
Is it ok to wear nylons?
       A. no

                                                          
The correct answer would be A. no.                
 Exceptions are rare, but will be made for
 nuns and women over 70.

Image courtesy of Cooking for Miss Finicky

1.  Tights are not pants.  This rule has been overlooked with the re-emerging popularity of the legging.  Tights must be worn under something.  I do not care if it is a skirt, dress, shorts, capris, or a muumuu.  SOMETHING.

2.   Leggings are only quasi-pants, and thus, whatever you are wearing for a top should fall below your bum.  If your outfit allows visible cameo-toe, your shirt is too short.

 

 

3.  If you are unsure if you are dealing with tights or leggings, always err on the side of tights.  You will encounter fewer faux-pas.

 

 

4.  You may wear fishnets.

 

 5. Wear fishnets over opaque tights for a fun effect.  This may cause more butt sweat than just one pair of tights.  Remedy this by powdering your bum and no-no parts with a safe and cruelty-free powder.

 

 

6.  Here is the KEY to getting the best-fit - buy a size bigger than you normally would.  I am a S/M so I buy a M/L.  This makes for thicker tights, more vibrant color (because they aren't being stretched as much), and they are way less likely to give you that "I just had a botched C-section" line from your navel to your crotch.  I use this method for leggings, footless tights, regular tights, AND fishnets.

 

7.  This KEY does not work with knee or thigh highs.  You want those babies tight or you have the whole slippage issue.  Knee-highs are a knee-high version of tights.  Knee socks are a knee-high version of socks.  Thigh-highs follow this pattern too. 

7a. Knee -highs may be worm under pants or long skirts or while roller-skating in the 70's.

7b.  Thigh highs may be worn for seduction.

Here, Chrissy Snow combines portions of rules 7a and 7b.

 

8.  This is one accessory which follows the YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR cliché.  So, when you can...

 

 

Black Milk Leggings

 

 

 

10 Ways to Live on the Edge (As a Grown Up Lady)

Follow these simple steps to live every day like it's your last.



1.  Cut and trim your own bangs.  Tell your stylist yes, you did cut your own bangs.  Don't care when she frowns at you.  Tell her you used kitchen scissors.

2.  ALWAYS wait until your gas light has been on for at least 15 miles before stopping for gas.  Extra points if you are getting close to that 15 miles and you have no idea where the closest gas station is.

3.  When using a recipe, estimate all measurements.  I almost always make banana bread using just estimation, and it's usually a pretty edgy loaf.

4.  If out at a restaurant, bar, or other venue serving alcohol, tell the bartender to "surprise you".  This is especially useful at all-inclusive resorts when you may begin drinking at 9 a.m. without judgement.

5.  Leave your laundry in the washer a few hours after it is done.  THEN transfer it to the dryer.  Will it gain that musty, "damp-to-long smell"?  Who knows!

6.  Sit on public toilet seats.  Especially in airports and sports venues.

7.  Shave your no-no parts with the cheapest disposable razor you can find, using your conditioner as a "shave gel".*

8.  Have sex in the morning, before anyone has brushed their teeth or gone to the bathroom.

9.  Incorporate one British word into your turn to speak at a staff meeting.  Some suggestions: Bugger, Cheeky, Knackered, The Loo, Minging, Snooker.

10.  Match your eye make-up to your clothing.  Mostly, match it to your shirt.  Buy one of those really cheap palates they sell at the drugstore around Christmas that has 239874 colors.  Use the stiff brush that comes with the set.*

*The writer of this article is not responsible for staph infections.