Flavors of Ben & Jerry's That Were Born Because Someone Was Totally High

Disclaimer: I own a small freezer that locks and has one purpose - Ben & Jerry's ice cream pint storage.  This is the way it has to be to ensure my favorite flavors are available when I need them.  I have two keys - one I keep on my person at all times, and one is hidden in the house.  The freezer is in the living room and acts as an end table, as its top holds a lamp, a box of tissues, and some coasters.
So, you may want to pay attention here, because I clearly take this very seriously and know what I am talking about. 

With the release of Ben & Jerry's newest flavor, "The Tonight Dough", we will no longer question if Ben & Jerry smoked up doobies while coming up with some of their pun-ny pints.  Because we know they did.  Only high people put that many different foods in one container and name it something ridiculous.  Not only does The Tonight Dough have both caramel and chocolate ice cream, it has swirls of chocolate cookie and "gobs" of chocolate chip cookie dough AND peanut butter cookie dough.  I'm not saying I won't be trying this flavor, because I will be.  I'm saying this is probably most enjoyable after...you know...

In Spring 2011, Jimmy Fallon was featured on the container of "Late Night Snack" which was retired in 2014.  It was Vanilla Bean Ice Cream with a Salty Caramel Swirl & Fudge Covered Potato Chip Clusters.  A mix of salty and sweet is my personal fave, so I was sad to see this one go.  But again, chips IN the ice cream.  Sounds like a 420 snack to me.

Ben & Jerry's flavor collection continues to evolve, change, and grow.  I have classic favorites like "Cherry Garcia" and "Mint Chocolate Cookie", but people have been putting cherries, chocolate, and cookies in ice cream for years.  Those are more relaxed, obvious flavors you can tell your grandma about.  The following is my list of flavors that, I believe, would not exist if someone (I've got my eyes on you, Ben and Jerry) didn't toke one up once in a while.  So, pass the dutchie to the left hand side and read on.

"That's My Jam" Core, and any of the "Cores" really.

Because swirls and chunks are not enough, PUT THE FANCY PART ALL THE WAY THROUGH! Jam in each bite!  Caramel in each bite!  Chocolate cookie IN EACH FRICKIN' BITE!  Picture it...

Woah......

This flavor, exclusive to Target, contains peanut butter ice cream with both peanut butter and raspberry jam swirls.  Dude...'magine like, if we had peanut butter and jelly sandwich but it was like, ice cream?

"Half Baked" and "Peanut Butter Half Baked"  dude, it's in the name.  How it was thought up, how it should be consumed.

"Candy Bar Pie" makes the list because it includes a PRETZEL SWIRL.  Um, huh?  This is one of my favorite flavors.  However, I am pretty sure pretzels do not swirl and I have no idea how they make them do that.  Only while high would you swirl a pretzel.

If you need an ice cream that has so much stuff in it the list is four lines long and you can't even name it according to any of the ingredients - you're high.

If you are still listening to Phish, you're high.  If you ever listened to Phish, you were high.  This flavor is dated, but it has little chocolate fish in it.  Win.

AND BREAKING NEWS! Literally as I typed that last sentence I just got notification that B&J are soon down with weed infused ice cream once it is legal.  (Shocking!)

WEED ICE CREAM 

Just when you thought it couldn't get any better - they are just gonna add the weed right into the pint.

Images: Forbes.com, giphy.com, yahoo.com, brandeating.com, target.com, benandjerrys.com

Flounder and Die

It's a super timely spoof, as it parodies a song from 2008 with a the plot of a movie from 1997 about events that happened in 1912. So SCORE for relevance.

 



It's sung to the tune of T.I.'s Whatever You Like
- so take a quick listen...

 

Hey Rose

You know dis ship be unsinkable

They be trippin' when they tell you that, girl

I say, this boat is gonna flounder and die (and die)

I say, this boat is gonna flounder and die (and die)

Damn

 

 

(Chorus)

Jack's on deck

The boat hits ice

First class can pop bottles all night

But the boat is gonna flounder and die (and die)

I said the boat is gonna flounder and die (and die)

Damn

Late night sex it's Rose's first time

We don't know how they did it with her corset so tight 

But that boat is gonna flounder and die (and die)

I said that boat is gonna flounder and die (and die)

Damn

At any time you could have moved over on the wood plank

Jack could have fit too, he coulda held onto you

Quite the selfish move my dear

To let your love just freeze there

Damn

 

 

 

(Chorus)

 

Captain Edwards you're da bravest, yo ship you couldn't save it

Man so good, he set the clock'n let waves take 'im

Selfless man had us cryin' when we knew he dyin'

In da ship of dreams, you didn't even scream

Ya never ever gotta get into the harbor

On the maiden voyage, we're sorry that we lost ya

Two point five hours, then there was a body count

If ya ain't got all da facts just go ahead and Google dat

First class they could have what they want

Or stowaway wit da mice and the moths

And no, Rose ain't ever had a man like Jack

Who's fun and artsy but prolly smells a bit bad




 

(Chorus)

 

Quite the selfish move my dear

To let your love just freeze there

You said "I'll never let go" but you went 'n let go

Tell yo grandkids you told a big lie

 

(Chorus)

 

I'm talkin'  big boy fights

And real cold ice

Billy Zane was a douchy type'a  guy

Everyone's all wet 'n he's worried 'bout price

That's right

 

(Chorus)

 

Quite the selfish move my dear

To let your love just freeze there

You said "I'll never let go" but you went 'n let go

Tell yo grandkids you told a big lie



 

(Chorus)

 

Yeah

Celine Dion

Heart will go on

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah



Images: www.giphy.com