Clap Along If You Feel....

Image: popcrush.com

By now, we all know Pharrell is WICKED FREAKIN' HAPPY.  And we'll all clap along.  I'll clap along if I feel like a room without a roof - but I'd like to clap along for other reasons.  Thus, I have come up with a list of reasons to clap along.

Here are some ways to switch things up.  

Clap along...

if you feel your pets are people too.

if you like lots of spiciness in your food.

if you think Greg Kinnear is kinda cute.

if you're sure that this guy is a tool.

if you know the answer to 2 x 2.

if your mom owned one of these things too.

if you would never wanna wear this shoe.

if you actually like this booze.

Images: mrwgifs.com; imdb.com; chernjam.blogspot.com; communication4all.co.uk; pinterest.com; amazon.com; barmano.com 

Your Trip to the Gyno - Dos and Don'ts

     

Surely your appointment will be at an inconvenient time and throw off your whole day. Plus you'll have a doctor up in your no-no parts.  That's all pretty stupid.  I've put together some simple dos and don'ts to make you and your time a little less lame.  

Do - Show up early.  After you check in with the disgruntled receptionist, get comfy on a sticky vinyl chair and enjoy some daytime TV.  Hopefully, the Steve Harvey show will be on.  Steve will dole out advice like he knows shit about shit that he knows nothing about.  

Don't - Look directly at people while you try and judge if they have an STD.

Do - Wear loose fitting clothing that is easy to remove.  You know once the nurse leaves the tiny exam room you have 2.2 seconds to get undressed, inconspicuously hide your undies in or under your pants on the chair in the corner, get in the "gown" (opening in the front), hop up on the table and throw the paper sheet over your lap before the doctor knocks/barges in.

Don't - Hesitate when asked how many sexual partners you've had.  This will provoke the doctor to make a note in your file, look at you out of the corner of her eye, and say -
"ballpark figure is fine."

Do - Say 3.  (Your first time, a fling, your current partner.)  Don't say you're a virgin.  That is an assumed lie.  Only say 3.  That is the only correct answer.

Don't - Giggle at any of the following words:

     Speculum

     Lube

     Latex

     Vulva

     Breast

     Nipple

     Pap-smear  (which, I discovered at age 12 - to my chagrin -
 is not pronounced pap-schmear)

Do - Scoot your bum all the way to the end of the table.  Also, just relax and let your legs fall completely apart.  You may want to do some preliminary stretching at home.

Don't - Make  jokes.  The following are jokes - 

    "Findin' anything good up there?"   and  "This is the most action I've seen in a while!"

Do - Gratefully accept the tiny square of rough Kleenex the doctor will hand you for "clean up".  It will definitely be all you'll need for that.

In A Tights Spot

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Image courtesy of MarieClarie.co.uk

 

After about 11 years of regularly purchasing tights, I've finally uncovered the secrets and rules of hosiery.  It was not easy, as the packaging has a variety of wonky sizing charts, spreadsheets, and letter/number combos.  Plus, there are footless tights, leggings, tights with the foot, and fishnets (which I consider a sub-category of tights).  We also have knee highs and thigh highs.  

It's very overwhelming, but I am here to make it less so. 

Before we begin - a quick quiz.      
 
Is it ok to wear nylons?
       A. no

                                                          
The correct answer would be A. no.                
 Exceptions are rare, but will be made for
 nuns and women over 70.

Image courtesy of Cooking for Miss Finicky

1.  Tights are not pants.  This rule has been overlooked with the re-emerging popularity of the legging.  Tights must be worn under something.  I do not care if it is a skirt, dress, shorts, capris, or a muumuu.  SOMETHING.

2.   Leggings are only quasi-pants, and thus, whatever you are wearing for a top should fall below your bum.  If your outfit allows visible cameo-toe, your shirt is too short.

 

 

3.  If you are unsure if you are dealing with tights or leggings, always err on the side of tights.  You will encounter fewer faux-pas.

 

 

4.  You may wear fishnets.

 

 5. Wear fishnets over opaque tights for a fun effect.  This may cause more butt sweat than just one pair of tights.  Remedy this by powdering your bum and no-no parts with a safe and cruelty-free powder.

 

 

6.  Here is the KEY to getting the best-fit - buy a size bigger than you normally would.  I am a S/M so I buy a M/L.  This makes for thicker tights, more vibrant color (because they aren't being stretched as much), and they are way less likely to give you that "I just had a botched C-section" line from your navel to your crotch.  I use this method for leggings, footless tights, regular tights, AND fishnets.

 

7.  This KEY does not work with knee or thigh highs.  You want those babies tight or you have the whole slippage issue.  Knee-highs are a knee-high version of tights.  Knee socks are a knee-high version of socks.  Thigh-highs follow this pattern too. 

7a. Knee -highs may be worm under pants or long skirts or while roller-skating in the 70's.

7b.  Thigh highs may be worn for seduction.

Here, Chrissy Snow combines portions of rules 7a and 7b.

 

8.  This is one accessory which follows the YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR cliché.  So, when you can...

 

 

Black Milk Leggings