10 Ways to Live on the Edge (As a Grown Up Lady)

Follow these simple steps to live every day like it's your last.



1.  Cut and trim your own bangs.  Tell your stylist yes, you did cut your own bangs.  Don't care when she frowns at you.  Tell her you used kitchen scissors.

2.  ALWAYS wait until your gas light has been on for at least 15 miles before stopping for gas.  Extra points if you are getting close to that 15 miles and you have no idea where the closest gas station is.

3.  When using a recipe, estimate all measurements.  I almost always make banana bread using just estimation, and it's usually a pretty edgy loaf.

4.  If out at a restaurant, bar, or other venue serving alcohol, tell the bartender to "surprise you".  This is especially useful at all-inclusive resorts when you may begin drinking at 9 a.m. without judgement.

5.  Leave your laundry in the washer a few hours after it is done.  THEN transfer it to the dryer.  Will it gain that musty, "damp-to-long smell"?  Who knows!

6.  Sit on public toilet seats.  Especially in airports and sports venues.

7.  Shave your no-no parts with the cheapest disposable razor you can find, using your conditioner as a "shave gel".*

8.  Have sex in the morning, before anyone has brushed their teeth or gone to the bathroom.

9.  Incorporate one British word into your turn to speak at a staff meeting.  Some suggestions: Bugger, Cheeky, Knackered, The Loo, Minging, Snooker.

10.  Match your eye make-up to your clothing.  Mostly, match it to your shirt.  Buy one of those really cheap palates they sell at the drugstore around Christmas that has 239874 colors.  Use the stiff brush that comes with the set.*

*The writer of this article is not responsible for staph infections.

Right Now: Obsessed with teen lit, still glad I'm not a teen anymore

Teenagers were first considered a separate demographic after WWII.  In 1942 Maureen Daly wrote Seventeenth Summer, which was the first book written and published specifically for this demographic.  It was raw and edgy - you know, with all the hand-holding and talk about love.

An interest in this type of book grew, but there was no boom if teen lit yet.  Authors of teen books became much more recognized in the 70's with Lois Duncan, Robert Cormier, & Judy Blume.  These authors gave the teen reader darker themes, more sexuality, and intense characters.  In the 90's we had Fear Street, the gut-wrenching love vs. death in Lurlene McDaniels novels, and Sweet Valley High.  These names have stuck around because a. the books are damn good, b. there weren't a lot of options (when I was a teen in the 90's) and c.these authors (even the 90's authors) paved the way for the abundance of teen lit we have today.

There is just as much diversity in teen lit as there is in books written for adults.  It isn't all "someone is stalking the babysitter" or "my first love" stories anymore!  It is a talent, to be an adult and write in an authentic teen voice.  Teen lit lets you feel for the characters - but in a way that is removed, because thank gawd we aren't teens any more.

My high school life would have been one boring-ass book with a few note-worthy sex scenes thrown in. And I mean note-worthy in a teen way. That's fine.  Now that I am older and wiser (?) I can read all these teen titles and not feel like omgiwishmylifewaslikethat or thankgodmylifeisntlikethat.  I love the intensity with which teens live their lives.  I'll live in that world again for a little while, then safely return it in the library drop-box.

A noteworthy few, in no particular order:

One for the Murphy's by Lynda Mullaly Hunt
OCD, The Dude, and Me by Lauren Roedy Vaughn
Roomies by Sara Zarr
Fifteenth Summer by Michelle Dalton
Ten Things We Did by Sarah Mlynowski
Living Dead Girl by Elizabeth Scott
The F-it List by Julie Halpern
Exposed by Kimberly Marcus
A World Away by Nancy Grossman

Date-able, Yet Two-Dimensional

Lately I've been watching a LOT of shows via Netflix and have come to a (super earth shattering) realization. Ya just don't find a lot of hot meat on Family Guy or Beavis and Butthead.  However, there are a few eligible (although two-dimensional) men who I would have totally dated in my twenties.  I say "in my twenties" because now, at the mature age of 32 (at which I am still marathon-watching cartoons) I need slightly more than what these guys have to offer.  Plus, I'm married.  Regardless...

Toki Wartooth from Metalocalypse

Toki plays guitar for the band Dethclok.  I love a man in a band.  Toki is of Scandinavian decent, and thus has ice blue eyes that pierce right through ya - whether he's wearing eyeliner or not.  He is most sensitive, naive and whimsical.  When his beloved cat passed away, he made a music video - literally full of rainbows and unicorns - and dedicated it to the little guy.  He does arts & crafts in his spare time, and is pretty domestic.  He cooks and does his laundry for the guys in the band, so you've gotta think he'd do the same for me. He has a sweet accent and his confusion over certain English words and terms is pretty endearing.  He IS sort of short, but he works out and has a great head of hair that I imagine he would let me braid.  He once wore a sweater vest, and has a teddy bear from when he was little.  I bet he'd be really good at snuggling.

Jairo from Bob's Burgers

Jairo in an expert in Capoeira, or, "sexy dance fighting".  He teaches kids, which is really sweet, and I like a man who doesn't feel uncomfortable around children.  I'm guessing he's mid twenties.  Actually, he could be older, and just look ageless because of his inner strength and calm - you know, like Sting.  We don't know too much about Jairo, as he only appears in one episode.  Despite this, I know that together we would practice Buddhism, eat mostly raw foods, and have tantric sex.  He'll always smell a little garlicky...but that's ok.        

Trent Lane from Daria

Trent is laid back, tattooed, pierced, and is lead guitar/vocals for his band Mystik Spiral.  He has an authentic  90's grunge look and just-out-of-bed hair. He's college-age-ish so he'd be fun for a fling or friend with benefits.  There is something romantic about a guy who would totally write a break up song about me.  His van is pretty grubby, but I bet he'd lay down a blanket in the back so we would be more comfortable making out after one of his shows.  His family is pretty cool too - all unique and artsy. 

I'm sure they've always got hummus on hand, which is a bonus.    

These Must Be Stories About Abs - or - Book Covers That Objectify Men

Women are objectified all over the place - this isn't news.  Men aren't objectified all over, but they ARE objectified on the following book covers, and this might be news to those of you not perusing the romance section of your library or local book store.  For the sake of clear cover-judging, I did not read the back of any of these, and didn't look at reviews when I snagged the pics.  The stories may have complex plots with multi-dimensional characters .*  Today, that isn't our focus.  We're talking abs and pecks.

 Let's get started!

This is a book about a cougar, clearly.  I imagine the female protagonist flees to a beach house and is surprised to find a renewed sense of sexuality as she romps with the twenty-something in the house next door.  Their bedroom windows face each other. Coincidence.
See Also: Pecks, Board Shorts, Menopause

 Again with the board shorts.  Perhaps the main character is a virgin.  Playfulness with a beach hunk leads to romance, which leads to doin' it.  I imagine the sexiness in this books is more of a playful innocent nature. Her hand is uncomfortably close to his armpit hair.  

See Also: Board Shorts, Armpit Hair, White Beachwear. 

Is he sad because his jeans are too tight to fully zip and button?  Has consuming dairy left him feeling bloated? I am sure those veins in his arm were photo-shopped.  Or maybe he has phlebitis.  Regardless, he is upset and needs the touch of a woman to regain sight of his passion in life.

See Also: Abercrombie, Acid Wash, Alex  

Someone fix the broken soldier!  This may actually be a workout video cover (VHS) moonlighting as a book cover.  Although the abs/dog-tag combo is front and center, I am wondering if this guy is wearing white pants.  Do this many guys really wear white pants?

See Also: Not After Labor Day, Pecks, Abs  

I am  fairly certain there is a direct correlation between ab definition and how intense the sex scenes will be.  This tribal tattoo, in close vicinity to both abs and a weapon lets a reader know this is going to be one heck of a ride.  Probably a good girl who falls for a guy from the wrong side of the tracks.  He is both greasy and dirty - that's how we know he's tough.

 See Also: Pen Name, Needs a Shower, Jeans Fit

Ok, this was listed as "erotica", so we really don't have to discuss.

See Also:  They See Me Rollin'...Hating', Drawstring Sweatpants, Photoshop

  

 This is my favorite.  We have abs, pecks, and again, no real view of the face.  At least his head isn't cut off completely.  (Did you notice that?  No Heads. Go ahead, scroll back up.  I'll wait.)  This must be fantasy romance.  I Googled "what is a hatter".  It is "a person who makes hats". So, although that doesn't top my list of "sexiest careers for men", I do find this appealing, because I think most of the story takes place on moist earth.  Plus, I like suspenders.

See Also: Suspenders, Moss-Covered Earth, Hatter

I'm not sure if this is two gay men or a plot line with a woman who must choose between two sets of abs and pecks.  The title doesn't tell us much.  Maybe she is choosing between the brooding business man, and the younger, sweeter, naive hoodie-wearer.  Oddly this background was one of the options for my 7th grade school picture.  

See Also: Dirty, Hoodie, Pecks

 Not only is there a six-pack on the cover, but "6 Pack" is in the title!  I'd like to survey 100 women and see how many choose the cowboy as sexiest option.  I'm not sure what the other options would be.  Boy Next Door, Lumberjack, Soldier?

See Also: Boy Next Door, Lumberjack, Soldier

*But probably not.